Braves

An Open Letter To Jose Urena

José_Ureña_on_April_8_2016

This goes out to Braves Country’s favorite player and anyone who thinks what he did was justified. You are absolutely pathetic. You’re a piss poor excuse for a ballplayer. Whenever you’re sitting on your couch getting home from your desk job in 2 years watching Acuna mash his 35th home run of the season, I want you to really bask in the moment from last night when you thought you were a real tough guy and a big man. Even though you’re hanging on to your forgettable major league career by a thread, it’s very clear you’re jealous of the new face of Major League Baseball.

Congratulations, you threw the hardest pitch you’ve ever thrown at a 20-year old kid who has obviously been living rent-free in your head all series. Why did you do it Jose? Is it because you were too scared to pitch to Ronald? You knew he was liable to put one into orbit and put your name in the record books? Is it your LEAGUE LEADING 12 losses on a club that’s 27 games under .500 and just got swept in a 4 game series? Is it the fact that you’ve been mashed to the tune of a 11.25 ERA this month and a 6.75 ERA at the hands of the Braves this season?

Sounds like you wanted a day off because you knew we were about to unload 7 runs on you. Whatever your logic was in that tiny little mind of yours, you probably should’ve just called in sick. Your own teammates think you’re an idiot. All of baseball outside of a guy who commentates for the only team in the division more pathetic than yours thinks you’re an idiot. Any baseball fan that has any sense thinks you’re an idiot. It must feel good to have people who breathe through their mouth on Twitter to be in your corner.

Let’s look at Jose Urena‘s borderline Hall of Fame career. He’s pacing the league in two of the most prestigious stats – losses and HBP (go figure). You posted a 6.13 ERA in 2016, which is somehow worse than the 4.74 ERA you’re posting this year. Your 1.35 career WHIP and 9 H/9 is pretty terrible, you might want to start working on your control issues.

Do you think you’re the sheriff of major league baseball or something? At least Cole Hamels had the stones to admit that he just straight up didn’t like Bryce Harper and hit him on purpose. You just rambled off a two-minute incoherent interview about how it was “probably” an accident? So what, you’re a big tough guy now because you hit a guy as hard as you can when he didn’t expect it. It’s okay buddy, we get to see you next weekend (pending your suspension). You better be expecting it, and you might wanna bring a helmet with extra padding to the park.

Acuña Matata Cool-Dri T-Shirt

 

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